Ah Beng Code Of Conduct

Small Talk: Bernard has thought up a great way of passing up assignments late in new zealand- by telling false chinese culture legends to his lecturers... "september is the month where the female dragon beat the male dragon and in chinese legend and is very bad fengshui to give presentation on such day". Unbelievable.

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lifted this off seanrubis.com
(terrible i know. i stole people's material but hey at least i have him credit for it.)
he might not even have wrote it himself
but that's not e point.
anyway pictas added by me

THE AH BENG CODE OF CONDUCT

Rule #1: You are always right

Rule #2: Everybody else is wrong

Rule #3: Disagreements are won by who has more gangster friends

Rule #4: Spoken language must be filled with profanity

Rule #5: The world revolves around you

These 5 rules are known as the ah beng rule and must always be taken into consideration when any decision of action is required. To be ah beng is to be king of the world and not many can achieve it. But by sticking together as ah bengs, we can conquer the world. So rise my fellow ah bengs and let us reach our potential!

This guide covers various aspects of a typical ah beng. So read it carefully and hopefully one day, you too can be ah beng.

Chapter 1: Introduction

Chapter 2: Road etiquette

Chapter 3: Relationship standards

Chapter 4: Clubbing/pub behavioural

Chapter 5: Dressing & personal grooming

Chapter 1: Introduction

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Being ah beng has its pros and cons. And these must be understood before you attempt to embark on a life changing decision. Being ah beng is a lifestyle choice. It is a way of expression and identity. There is nothing wrong in being ah beng.

As ah bengs, we simple promote the attitude of being selfish and self-involved. We don’t stick our noses where they don’t belong yet we ensure our presence is felt. We stamp our mark on people one way or the other and we go down in folklore as the ones that stand out.

We may not know the difference between Alfred Einstein and Nelson Gandhi. We certainly don’t care if there are people starving in the world. We ignore the possibility of courteousness actually being needed in society. But why should we be treated any differently?

As ah beng, you will be the focus of many and at many times you will be envied. Other guys will want to be you but because they can’t, they will make fun of you and ridicule you. Ignore these advances of jealousy and simple believe in the fact that you are superior.

But also remember, as ah beng, you must also not be aware that you are ah beng. You must forget and also feel insulted when being called ah beng. This may sound weird but this is also a requirement. Many a times, if you are called ah beng, you must not hesitate to call other ah bengs to help you defend your honour because in this world, numbers count and individual strength is overrated.

Remember this!

Chapter 2: Road Etiquette

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As ah beng, you rule the road. You have the right of way in any instance and shame on those who dare to think otherwise. Again, do not hesitate to call other fellow ah bengs to help you should you need to defend your honour.

When driving, it is important to remember that ah bengs;

1. Do not care for the safety of other drivers!
2. Do not care for the safety of themselves and their passengers!

These are the commandments when driving and MUST be remembered at all times. Needless to say, you must drive as such with bearing in mind that traffic rules are a mere hindrance from showing off your true driving skills.

The Do’s and Don’ts of ah beng style driving

Do

1. Speed
2. Wind down your seat till you can slightly see the road
3. Change lanes without using your signal lights
4. Modify your car with florescent lights to blind other people
5. Park your car with disregard to other road users
6. Allow other road users to hear your current play list by maxing out your volume

Don’t

1. Obey the traffic law
2. Wear seatbelts
3. Stop on red
4. Park within the allotted area
5. Keep your car on custom settings
6. Turn on your headlights until it’s pitch black and you can’t see

In the event you get into an accident by following this rule, always remember ah beng Rule #1: You are ALWAYS right! Should you get stopped by police, DO NOT hesitate to bribe him then complain about it because it wasn’t your fault you got caught. But when complaining, try to make it sound that you are proud.

Please note, before attempting to jump a red light, ALWAYS look to see if there are any police patrol cars in your immediate vicinity.

Chapter 3: Relationship standards

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In this chapter, we cover;

• How ah bengs should treat each other
• How ah bengs should treat non ah bengs
• How ah bengs should treat girlfriends

How ah bengs should treat each otherThere should always be a comradeship between ah bengs. At all times must fellow ah bengs uphold their own when honour is jeopardised but when faced and pitted against your own then ah beng Rule #3: Disagreements are won by who has more gangster friends, is in effect.

But there are only a few instances that ah bengs should fight amongst themselves. Firstly, when another ah beng looks at your girlfriend. This is an attempt to challenge you of your manhood and you must retaliate. Secondly, when another ah beng calls you and ah beng. This is a cardinal sin and the offender must pay for his actions. And thirdly, when another ah beng looks at you. This is an outright challenge and must be met immediately.

How ah bengs should treat non ah bengs
Non ah bengs are sad creatures who follow the rules and pay their taxes (because their salary surpasses the minimum need to pay taxes). These people should be looked down upon and a bit of understanding should be given when outright challenges are offered. These people should just be given a scary ah beng stare and be scolded quietly in their presence and loudly when they are far away.

How ah bengs should treat girlfriendsAh bengs should treat their girlfriends like a towel. Understand the towel analogy; a towel is used when it is dry and you are wet. When you are dry and the towel is wet, the towel is thrown and will only be used when it is dry and you are wet. In lay man terms, she must understand you but you must make no effort to understand her. Should she complain, why bother? You are ah beng!

Chapter 4: Clubbing/pub behavioural

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When going for a night out, it is important to remember a few things;

1. You are the baddest and meanest SOB
2. You are a force to be reckon with
3. Which cousin or relative is a gangster

Once you have these things sorted out, you can go and enjoy your night out. As ah beng, you must have the ability to not hold your liquor and should you be able to then you must pretend that you can’t because being drunk is the coolest thing. Also, it saves you money from having to buy more beer than you should.

Dressing is covered in chapter 5 and will not be discussed here.Ah beng do not travel solo. We operate in pack. It’s easier to defend and also helps cut cost of the alcohol.

Music trivia is not necessary. Ah beng must only remember one thing when it comes to music; bass is the only thing that matters. Anything else is just for show. Any music that has people singing is NOT worth listening too. It must be predominately bass featured.

Important notes to remember

1. If you can’t hold your liquor, good.
2. If you can hold your liquor, fake it.

Chapter 5: Dressing & personal grooming

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Dressing

Ah beng dressing is known to be trendy and in. Be proud of what you put on yourself. As a basic necessity, ensure that your wardrobe includes a few dragon print shirts and a couple of really nice shiny pants. It is also important that you get funky shoes that are similar to Ronald McDonald type of shoes; huge and a funny fit.

When clubbing:

Always remember to wear something that doesn’t fit; either too small or too big. But the main key is to wear your pants low so people can see your butt crack when you sit down. This is important because an exposed butt crack is sexy and seductive.

Personal Grooming

Meticulous care must be given to your hair. Everyone has black hair but not everybody can have hair like the rainbow. Ah beng MUST have dyed hair. The browner or yellowier it is, the better! Black is so 1850. The modern age; coloured hair.

The cover-one-eye hair style

This hair style involves having one eye covered by your hair. It doesn’t matter if it’s left side or right side but the important thing is that only one eye is visible at a time.

The I-stuck-my-finger-in-an-open-socket hair styleThis hair style basically resembles someone who has gone through mild electrocution.

The I-love-Beckham hair style

This very famous centre standing hair style is famous and is hot.

The I-cut-my-own-hair hair style

This hair style is the latest and upcoming. This is involves creativity on your barber’s side. Instruct him/her that you’d like your hair to be short in some places and long in other places thus resulting in a one of a kind unique hair style.

i fuckin HATE ah bengs
but their not keen on me either.